Monday, October 12, 2009

Soul searching

It's been a while since I have taken to my blog and posted more than just snippets of what I am reading. I think that once people I knew in real life began reading my blog I started to censor myself and I believe I started losing my voice some. I hope I can begin writing again and gain it back. The things I write might be offensive, whiny, stupid, boring, enlightening, funny, whatever...but they need to be said bc I need to say them. I do appreciate feedback but as this is my spot in the interwebs, respectful dialogue is appreciated.

Today (after looking at the clock I realize it was yesterday) is my 35th birthday. I don't feel 35- however that is supposed to feel. But lately I have felt 15. Let me explain....

When I was about 15 my best friend decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Without explanation she just became more distant and cruel. Then it all came to a head when she started using phone conversations against me- baiting me and then telling other people what I said to make fun, etc etc etc. This incident in my life had a profound affect- I stopped trusting other females. Even now I have a hard time opening up to people for fear that I am going to get hurt, bc even at 35 it sucks. I feel that I have a lot of "friends" but a lot of times I feel it's all superficial and shallow. I know part of this is my fault bc I am unwilling to put my self out there completely but I can't seem to find the people willing to engage in deeper relationships.

I heard an analogy once -I think it was Stephen Mansfield who said that we are like a full glass of water. We pour a little of ourselves into the people who come into our lives. But if people don't pour into ours we run dry (I completely mangled the analogy, but I hope you get the meaning.)

My soul is dying. I am desperate for deeper, meaningful relationships. People who will not only will open themselves up to me but want me to open myself up. People who want to know my beliefs and will be OK when they differ from theirs- bc most likely they will.

I want to take nothing away from the people in my life now that consider me their friend. I thank you for your friendship. Little snippets here and there help me navigate through this life. But I am in need of more. I need flesh-and-bone humans willing to share their lives. I sure as hell don't want pity or to be manipulated.

How do other people do it? I really want to know.

(and if you would prefer to, feel free to email me at sandilu at hotmail dot com)


bb mumblings said...

girl- i'm 36, and i think this is a natural part of the process of growing (up?). it started with me a couple of years ago- as i never really had female friends. but just sending that desire out into the ether starts the process.

and well, if you have unorthodox beliefs, yay! the status quo blows- and i have had luck gently, introducing my belief system to friends- and finding likeminded people.

the trick is, for me anyway, that most people DON'T WANT TO KNOW anything that may disturb them. (read: may make them believe something different than they always have...) aren't really very hungry for life, or curious... after a certain age that is. many many people our age have stopped growing (up?), evolving. stasis is comfy.

and for them, you cannot share, because it scares the bejeebus out of them. (for example: i experienced a past life regression through guided meditation, some were so curious that they opened pandora's box THEMSELVES, and saw that i was not full of shit. others, were terrified, and for them i am silent.)

but all in all, i believe being open draws people to you; that telling what you need/want/feel/thing allows other people to do the same. i have had some lucky discoveries, that people already close to me are just fearful of sharing their "real" thoughts...

p.s. i will never judge you're crazines... :-)and if you wanna chat more, email me at! (sexy poet-google her!)

bb mumblings said...

i really can't believe the number of typos in that comment... JEEBUS